There is somebody out there for everybody. That’s the cliché, or a variation thereof, we tell each other during times of loneliness. And there is somebody for everybody, except for that one person. You know the one. That man or woman who totally screwed you over, who lied to you, who cheated on you and did everything wrong when you did everything right in that failed relationship. That person is without redemption, has no soul and is not deserving of anyone ever again. It’s similar to that person who cut you off in traffic. They are a horrible person who deserves to die, even though you’ve made the exact same mistake before while you were driving.

“I believe that all torches are inextinguishable to some degree, no matter human beings say about that subject. And I just do believe that once that fire is kindled, it lasts forever. You do love that person forever1.” –Jimmy Web

Despising those who we felt have wronged us only adds to anger, hate and general feelings of inadequacy. These feelings aren’t necessarily unhealthy, or uncommon. All who experience a harsh end to a relationship typically do have strong emotions afterwords. But allowing these emotions to continue, to not acknowledge that the past is an unchangeable and decided reality, allows those memories to challenge the equally true reality that you loved that person before you hated him or her.

Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at me. You didn’t know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
-Adaptations (Film 2002)

The happiness we are given by others is something that cannot be taken away or diminished. Others may try to taint or poison that gift with anger, bitterness and perhaps even honesty. But if we take that which is ours, in love and sadness, and claim it for ourselves, independent of others, we can keep it as our own real happiness. To hate someone so perfectly without acknowledging anything that brought that happiness to your life is to let that which is yours be lost.

“…so if you love somebody better tell them so
cause you never ever ever know when they gonna go
if they love you back just give thanks
can’t keep love like money in the bank…” -Michael Franti, Life in the City (Song)

Humans have the ability to be so much more than the biological and chemical processes we initially use to dictate our reaction. We synthesize our own happiness. We can chose to accept the love and happiness we’ve had or allow our bitterness to keep from accepting those things we cannot change. And no matter how much the other has hurt us, or how much we perceived that another has hurt us, there is nothing from keeping us from wishing the best; that he or she would find someone to accept those personality traits we could not and someone to share that happiness we once experienced for ourselves.

1 Jimmy Webb: From ‘Phoenix’ To ‘Just Across The River’. Gross. Fresh Air. NPR. July 23, 2010


djinny 2010-08-06

I think hating the one who wronged us is a defense. "There must be something inherently wrong with the person who tricked me into loving them and then inflicted so much pain." I think sometimes that hatred is good in the beginning because it cauterizes the love, keeps it from growing back, keeps me from pining for something that counldn't have been. After enough time has passed the happy times can be remembered with fondness (and I can stop wishing that person gets hit by a bus).

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